Mental Health and The Abrupt Hiatus

So.... It’s been a while. 

Have you ever started something and been really excited to peruse it and then your brain snaps, you have a complete meltdown and have to rebuild your life from the ground up?

If you answered yes, then you know where I’ve been. 

If you answered no, let me fill you in. 

My very emotionally, financially and sexually abusive husband left me on my birthday. After two years of tumultuous, unfaithful and abusive behaviour our on again off again marriage... was off again... 

This time something snapped inside me, after he walked out on me yet again (which was a common part of his abuse) and I reached out for serious help for the first time. 

Although I was finding the strength to not let him back into my life I was really not OK and subsequently replaced him with new emotional fuckwits, one of which was heavily involved in helping me start this blog and another who was very opposed to me having and working through this list. But giddy with the freedom of having my Ex husband gone, I started this blog....

And then slowly what I was so excited and thrilled to start; my new life became overwhelming, dark and incredibly lonely. 

For what felt like forever I was just ‘keeping my head above water’, I was simply surviving, I dreamed constantly of running away, I was shut down, forgetful, absent minded, emotional and in tears almost constantly, I was quick to anger and fall into bouts of not being able to get out of bed, sometimes I didn’t shower, I put on weight, I lost weight... Mainly I just didn’t really know who I was, I didn’t feel like me. I didn’t want to be alone, but didn’t want to be around anyone, I lied and made excuses not to go out and not to go to work. I wasn’t coping. I was frustrated and angry at myself and life, nothing seemed OK, nothing seemed right or good. So you can see how this blog started to feel like another weight around my neck, another responsibility dragging me under the never ending barrage of waves.

Slowly I began a long journey to find myself again, to wade through all the pain, bitterness, insecurity, anger, judgement (of myself mostly), grief, depression, anxiety. 

There was therapy, retreats, travel, relationships, friendships and family issues peppered

throughout and slowly I weeded out all the people who were holding me back. I became a better friend, sister and daughter, I rekindled my passion for my career, I started being more honest, more joyful, I made discoveries about myself. 

I managed to find myself again in the depths within me, I had always been there but buried under so much pain, when I rediscovered myself though I realised I was so much more than before. After

peeling back all the layers of pain and everything that went with it, after looking it in the face and accepting it was a part of me, I wanted more love, more joy, I didn’t care about superficial things I cared about before. I realised how very long I had been gone, how long I had been a shadow, a shell, it had started long before my marriage, I just couldn’t see it before.

I was blind sighted by my love for my Ex husband. Slowly this project came back into my focus, I’ve done a lot of talking about it, and actually have done a few things on the list even though I haven’t updated you. 

I had a lot of big plans for this year, as my work and progress has put me in a good place financially and emotionally to be able to get focused and excited about living my life again. Unfortunately Covid-19 has thrown a bit of a spanner in the works but I will do what I can and pave the way for even more next year. 

So If you are still willing to be on this journey with me thank you for your patience. 💋💋💋

 

If you are struggling in an abusive relationship and

 don’t know where to start 

you can visit https://www.wire.org.au/ or give them

 a call on 1300 134 130 they can 

help you get access to all the help you need.

If you are struggling with depression or 

anxiety please reach out and get some help 

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ or call them on 1300 224 636